Where you belong.

I have packed you into a box. You and all of the emotions surrounding you are in a great big box that I have haphazardly yet meticulously taped shut and put up on the top shelf in the corner of this thing I call life. Out of the way. Out of sight, out of mind.

And this works. It works well in fact. It works well until the room that the shelf is in fills up with emotions and fills up with shit. And as it does I don't even have to try to get to that top shelf because the room fills and pushes me toward you and that damn box where I put you. Where I said good riddance to you.

There I sit with the only decision to be made being do I continue to wade is the literal, figurative and emotional pile of crap or do I break down, climb up on that shelf and reluctantly open the box?

And I stare at the box.

And I know I will never open it.

a true statement

I am a writer. Some of you may be thinking "umm yeah.. you wrote this" and others may be thinking "ok writer, where's your novel?" But I am so much more than that. I am a writer within.

I will speak what I want to write over and over so that the words spilling out of my lips will be ingrained and not lost before they can be recorded.

I may never write a novel but I will dictate my soul.

Non-existant, ever-present

The first part of this was written a few weeks ago ...

I don't even know what to write any more. A topic that has taken my thoughts and notebook for almost two years is null and void. Well not really the topic but the person. The topic is in limbo. I am not looking to date right now. Something about being hurt makes a person shy away from it. Perhaps we had it right last night when we toasted to finding love without finding love. Maybe I need to find something not someone to love - to fill that need for passion in my life. It feels like I am trying to make myself numb - successfully at that. Make it so I don't feel anything. It's safer that way. Sometimes I think it is better to feel nothing than to hurt. And sometimes I think it is oh so wrong.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Fact or fiction. -- I'm torn.

To go from love to loss/hurt to void makes me feel empty. (I guess by definition it would.)

He ruined a good thing without even knowing it. Or maybe he did. I understand my aloofness didn't help. But he was the one who walked into my "ridiculously-happily-single" life and turned it upside down. I didn't ask for that. But now I am stuck with the aftermath; trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to fit the puzzle of the life I once knew back together.


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But life does go on. Nights get easier and days go faster. There are days when I think it may even go back to "normal" or at least close to the way it used to be - closer to my normal.. I have been working diligently on finding love without finding love this summer.

I am learning to play the guitar. It is therapeutic. Just knowing that I am doing something for nothing other than because I want to. And no one can or will say anything about it. And I have time for it. And I can.

I have rediscovered my spot at the park. My spot where I can escape everything if I want to. Not because it is so "out-of-the-way" but because it is serene - because no one bothers me there - because the river is flowing by - because for a split moment in this chaotic place I can imagine I am in the middle of no where. And that is comforting.

mentally, emotionally and physically. think about it.

When a bird lands on a reed in the ditch and it bows a little too much, is that when it knows it needs to go on a diet?

I went home today to visit my grandma in the hospital. It was sudden, unexpected and unplanned. Three things I pride myself on not including in my life. Though I am learning that perhaps these are some of the best qualities to include.

Sometimes things happen out of the blue. Friends you haven't talked to in years call you just to say hi and catch up. Your sister calls and asks if you are sitting down - only to tell you that you grandma is in the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. People you thought you could never live your life without walk away without a word and you don't find out why until years later - if ever.

Things that seem like a tragedy at the time are often just a reminder of the fleeting nature of life on this earth. A reminder to suck it up and deal, that it probably isn't as life altering as you may have thought because guess what.. Life is still going on all around you. The question then becomes, when are you going to join it again and stop living in your past.

Things aren't perfect. Grandma still has to get some numbers "in check" before she can head home to the farm again. But just seeing her today did two things for me. First, it made me really appreciate all the time I have had with her and all she has taught me, including the value of family. I trust that this is not the end of that time or that learning. And secondly, her sheer determination that she will be back at the farm, not in the hospital, reminded me of a determined self I once knew. A determined self that isn't afraid to pull up the proverbial "big-girl panties" and deal with life as it comes at her.

So here it goes. With one foot in front of the other (or so I have been told), I am stepping out into my now and looking into my future.




When I push with one hand and pull with the other, I just end up spinning in circles until I fall down dizzy.