Sometimes I just want you to want to hang out with me, to talk to me and moreover to listen to me. I don't want to fight with you to want to hang out with me. Is that too much to ask?
If I gave you a mirror would you be just as content? Would you notice that you were by yourself? That I wasn't there? That you were just talking to your own reflection? Or wouldn't it make a difference because whenever you cared enough to look "I" would be looking too and really that's all that matters?
It doesn't really matter I guess. None of it does. Because the next time you have a rotten day and your husband drinks too much and you think you are getting divorced and you just had a pregnancy scare and you lose your job and breakup with that ass of a boyfriend and your kid is sick, I'll still be there. Because in my mind that's what friends are for. To be there. To love you. And to listen. Even if it's never been and never will be reciprocated.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Where you belong.
I have packed you into a box. You and all of the emotions surrounding you are in a great big box that I have haphazardly yet meticulously taped shut and put up on the top shelf in the corner of this thing I call life. Out of the way. Out of sight, out of mind.
And this works. It works well in fact. It works well until the room that the shelf is in fills up with emotions and fills up with shit. And as it does I don't even have to try to get to that top shelf because the room fills and pushes me toward you and that damn box where I put you. Where I said good riddance to you.
There I sit with the only decision to be made being do I continue to wade is the literal, figurative and emotional pile of crap or do I break down, climb up on that shelf and reluctantly open the box?
And I stare at the box.
And I know I will never open it.
And this works. It works well in fact. It works well until the room that the shelf is in fills up with emotions and fills up with shit. And as it does I don't even have to try to get to that top shelf because the room fills and pushes me toward you and that damn box where I put you. Where I said good riddance to you.
There I sit with the only decision to be made being do I continue to wade is the literal, figurative and emotional pile of crap or do I break down, climb up on that shelf and reluctantly open the box?
And I stare at the box.
And I know I will never open it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
a true statement
I am a writer. Some of you may be thinking "umm yeah.. you wrote this" and others may be thinking "ok writer, where's your novel?" But I am so much more than that. I am a writer within.
I will speak what I want to write over and over so that the words spilling out of my lips will be ingrained and not lost before they can be recorded.
I may never write a novel but I will dictate my soul.
I will speak what I want to write over and over so that the words spilling out of my lips will be ingrained and not lost before they can be recorded.
I may never write a novel but I will dictate my soul.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Non-existant, ever-present
The first part of this was written a few weeks ago ...
I don't even know what to write any more. A topic that has taken my thoughts and notebook for almost two years is null and void. Well not really the topic but the person. The topic is in limbo. I am not looking to date right now. Something about being hurt makes a person shy away from it. Perhaps we had it right last night when we toasted to finding love without finding love. Maybe I need to find something not someone to love - to fill that need for passion in my life. It feels like I am trying to make myself numb - successfully at that. Make it so I don't feel anything. It's safer that way. Sometimes I think it is better to feel nothing than to hurt. And sometimes I think it is oh so wrong.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Fact or fiction. -- I'm torn.
To go from love to loss/hurt to void makes me feel empty. (I guess by definition it would.)
He ruined a good thing without even knowing it. Or maybe he did. I understand my aloofness didn't help. But he was the one who walked into my "ridiculously-happily-single" life and turned it upside down. I didn't ask for that. But now I am stuck with the aftermath; trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to fit the puzzle of the life I once knew back together.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
But life does go on. Nights get easier and days go faster. There are days when I think it may even go back to "normal" or at least close to the way it used to be - closer to my normal.. I have been working diligently on finding love without finding love this summer.
I am learning to play the guitar. It is therapeutic. Just knowing that I am doing something for nothing other than because I want to. And no one can or will say anything about it. And I have time for it. And I can.
I have rediscovered my spot at the park. My spot where I can escape everything if I want to. Not because it is so "out-of-the-way" but because it is serene - because no one bothers me there - because the river is flowing by - because for a split moment in this chaotic place I can imagine I am in the middle of no where. And that is comforting.
I don't even know what to write any more. A topic that has taken my thoughts and notebook for almost two years is null and void. Well not really the topic but the person. The topic is in limbo. I am not looking to date right now. Something about being hurt makes a person shy away from it. Perhaps we had it right last night when we toasted to finding love without finding love. Maybe I need to find something not someone to love - to fill that need for passion in my life. It feels like I am trying to make myself numb - successfully at that. Make it so I don't feel anything. It's safer that way. Sometimes I think it is better to feel nothing than to hurt. And sometimes I think it is oh so wrong.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Fact or fiction. -- I'm torn.
To go from love to loss/hurt to void makes me feel empty. (I guess by definition it would.)
He ruined a good thing without even knowing it. Or maybe he did. I understand my aloofness didn't help. But he was the one who walked into my "ridiculously-happily-single" life and turned it upside down. I didn't ask for that. But now I am stuck with the aftermath; trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to fit the puzzle of the life I once knew back together.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
But life does go on. Nights get easier and days go faster. There are days when I think it may even go back to "normal" or at least close to the way it used to be - closer to my normal.. I have been working diligently on finding love without finding love this summer.
I am learning to play the guitar. It is therapeutic. Just knowing that I am doing something for nothing other than because I want to. And no one can or will say anything about it. And I have time for it. And I can.
I have rediscovered my spot at the park. My spot where I can escape everything if I want to. Not because it is so "out-of-the-way" but because it is serene - because no one bothers me there - because the river is flowing by - because for a split moment in this chaotic place I can imagine I am in the middle of no where. And that is comforting.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
mentally, emotionally and physically. think about it.
When a bird lands on a reed in the ditch and it bows a little too much, is that when it knows it needs to go on a diet?
I went home today to visit my grandma in the hospital. It was sudden, unexpected and unplanned. Three things I pride myself on not including in my life. Though I am learning that perhaps these are some of the best qualities to include.
Sometimes things happen out of the blue. Friends you haven't talked to in years call you just to say hi and catch up. Your sister calls and asks if you are sitting down - only to tell you that you grandma is in the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. People you thought you could never live your life without walk away without a word and you don't find out why until years later - if ever.
Things that seem like a tragedy at the time are often just a reminder of the fleeting nature of life on this earth. A reminder to suck it up and deal, that it probably isn't as life altering as you may have thought because guess what.. Life is still going on all around you. The question then becomes, when are you going to join it again and stop living in your past.
Things aren't perfect. Grandma still has to get some numbers "in check" before she can head home to the farm again. But just seeing her today did two things for me. First, it made me really appreciate all the time I have had with her and all she has taught me, including the value of family. I trust that this is not the end of that time or that learning. And secondly, her sheer determination that she will be back at the farm, not in the hospital, reminded me of a determined self I once knew. A determined self that isn't afraid to pull up the proverbial "big-girl panties" and deal with life as it comes at her.
So here it goes. With one foot in front of the other (or so I have been told), I am stepping out into my now and looking into my future.
When I push with one hand and pull with the other, I just end up spinning in circles until I fall down dizzy.
I went home today to visit my grandma in the hospital. It was sudden, unexpected and unplanned. Three things I pride myself on not including in my life. Though I am learning that perhaps these are some of the best qualities to include.
Sometimes things happen out of the blue. Friends you haven't talked to in years call you just to say hi and catch up. Your sister calls and asks if you are sitting down - only to tell you that you grandma is in the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. People you thought you could never live your life without walk away without a word and you don't find out why until years later - if ever.
Things that seem like a tragedy at the time are often just a reminder of the fleeting nature of life on this earth. A reminder to suck it up and deal, that it probably isn't as life altering as you may have thought because guess what.. Life is still going on all around you. The question then becomes, when are you going to join it again and stop living in your past.
Things aren't perfect. Grandma still has to get some numbers "in check" before she can head home to the farm again. But just seeing her today did two things for me. First, it made me really appreciate all the time I have had with her and all she has taught me, including the value of family. I trust that this is not the end of that time or that learning. And secondly, her sheer determination that she will be back at the farm, not in the hospital, reminded me of a determined self I once knew. A determined self that isn't afraid to pull up the proverbial "big-girl panties" and deal with life as it comes at her.
So here it goes. With one foot in front of the other (or so I have been told), I am stepping out into my now and looking into my future.
When I push with one hand and pull with the other, I just end up spinning in circles until I fall down dizzy.
Monday, April 28, 2008
TWITLOL v1 i9
Police cars, podcasts and nightly sex romps.
It has been a while since there was an installment of TWITLOL so here goes.
Since last I posted I have become older (literally, I had a birthday), I have been kept awake at night and been woke up early by my darling neighbors repeatedly, endured the squishy quarters of the back seat of a police car, worried for people’s safety, celebrated Christmas with friends and family, gone on a few epic dates and rekindled my love of arts and crafts.
Where to begin… I guess I will start chronologically. So in December I celebrated the first anniversary of my 25th birthday. It was a good time and spanned over 10 days. For my actual birthday I took the day off as well as the day after. I relaxed, went in for a massage and then out for supper with friends. Point of interest: The new Mexican Village on 45th St has $1 Margaritas on Tuesdays now like the one downtown although at the time of my birthday they were on Wednesdays.
The next night I went out on one of these epic dates. If you have been reading my posts from the start you will likely notice that almost every guy I go out with ends up with a story reference name. This guys name became five dates guy. Not because we went out five times mind you. Rather we went on five dates in one night. It was rather interesting. We met at the Plains Art Museum (those of you from Fosston may appreciate that Mr. Sorenson has a piece on display there), headed for supper at the HuHot, for ice cream at Cold Stone, shopping at Kohl’s, bowling and then a movie back at my place. As you might be guessing this did definitely up the average length of my dates. Previously it was around an hour to an hour and a half. This one lasted 12 hours. A bit ridiculous but fun all the same. One might think that after spending that much time and energy on one person that there may be something there. Alas there is not. A few weeks, another lengthy date and a cancelled date due to family emergency later he told me that he didn’t really like the fact that my cat lives in my apartment. If you are reading this you know me and can about imagine how this went over…
Christmas went off with out too much of a hitch. It was celebrated several times over about two and a half weeks. The first excursion was a secular Christmas entitled “The 12 Bars of Christmas.” It was definitely a good time. I won’t name any names but there was a bit of emesis and a few lost articles including a checkbook and a pair of glasses. I love my girls! You can check out the pics if you want more details of the night… From there the more traditional Christmas started. I celebrated with my immediate family, my mom’s side, my dad’s side and my girls (on different days). It has been a while since I have felt not excluded at Christmas time but this year was good. I can truly say that I enjoyed it.
With the new year came a barrage of resolutions. They are still peppered over my notebooks and a few even made it to my fridge. One of these resolutions was to get back in touch with my creative side. So at any given time you will see me crocheting, knitting, painting, crafting in general. Overall I am just trying to not live my life wrapped in the plain brown packaging. I want something more.
More awake hours was not one of my resolutions although my neighbors decided to help me out with that one. They (the upstairs ones) have taken to nightly sex romps which tend to keep me awake. In fact they then expanded this practice to include wholesome Saturday mornings when you should be watching cartoons not creating more children to watch cartoons. My neighbors to my bedroom/bathroom wall also apparently enjoy this pastime although they take it a step further and to the shower. Dreadful.
I also managed to get into a car accident in the middle of January about a week before my parents left for vacation in Vegas. This proved to be unfortunate yet very convenient for me. While I had to fight tooth and nail to get the other insurance company to pay for the damages on my car (despite their driver turning into the wrong lane and hitting me head on while I was stopped at a stop sign…) this meant I had access to my parents’ van while they were gone so I wasn’t without a vehicle. Handy indeed since this was the time frame when ND decided to hit all-time low temperatures and wind chills. It would have been a rather chilly walk to and from work otherwise. As a result of this accident, I also got to hang out in the back seat of a police car. An experience I had never had. It is squishy. There isn’t much leg room and yes I did try to open the door myself. It doesn’t work. Turns out they don’t actually want felons to be able to let themselves out so yeah… I looked like an idiot. An experience all the same.
Mom and Dad had a good trip. They got to visit lots of friend and family. When they got back it was but a few days before they made a return trip to Fargo. Dad had a doctor appointment the next Monday. Last summer he had a spot on his leg that wouldn’t go away. After much prodding and a prominently placed article on Lyme’s disease, he went to get it checked in Fosston. The doctor there said that since dad hasn’t really been to the hospital since he was born that he should have a full physical. So he did. It was during the routine lab work that they noticed he had an elevated prostate hormone level. While it is normal for this to rise with age Dad didn’t have a base line so they recommended a biopsy to test further. This was his appointment a week after vacation.
We were told ahead of time that it was 50/50 low grade infection or cancer. We hoped for the best and feared the worst as most people would. From there we had an additional two weeks before the results were in. Last Monday as I was sitting at work I received a text from my sister. It was three words and while it was words that while I had tried to prepare myself for I really wasn’t ready for them: It is cancer. The doctor gave Dad five options but recommended surgery. The surgery they scheduled for 4 weeks out if he should decide to go that route.
Try as I might to look at this positively, I had troubles with this. I realize that this was good news. It was great that there were so many options. It was also great that it wasn’t so pressing and the surgery could wait for a month. But at the same time it meant that my dad’s body is filled with poison and I could only picture him rotting from the inside out. I had visions of when he had the surgery that they would find cancer everywhere and they would just close him up and give him months maybe weeks to live.. I understand that this isn’t rational but it is where my mind wandered and on occasion still does.
Dad thought he had a choice in the matter. What he didn’t count on was having three children who made the decision for him. I understand that I am taking the long, winding, often detoured road of life that may or may not end up at marriage. However, I know that even if I don’t get married for 20 years I want my dad to be there to walk me down the aisle. A week ago when my parents were down for the appointment I was tired so I curled up on the couch and laid my head on my dad’s chest. After the text on Monday, I couldn’t help but think that that may be that last time I get to do that. It’s kind of funny how the little things in life become monumental when you get news like this. My brother took a similar approach. The difference for him was the girls. Meg has already lost one grandpa to cancer and to stand back and do nothing is clearly not an option.
So now we are working through pre-op appointments. In fact my parents are currently sleeping in my bed as I type this. Dad gets to go give blood in the morning so they have an exact match when he has surgery on April 1. I would like to think of myself as a strong person. But the past few weeks have proven me otherwise. Now that I know dad is committed to the surgery it helps but I still can’t keep myself from crying when I think about the possibility of life without him - however irrational that is.
So there you have it. The long and varied path of my past few months. Details have been omitted due to poor memory, lack of space and prioritization. If you made it this far, kudos to you. Love and God bless. Do me a favor and call your parents and tell them you love them.
It has been a while since there was an installment of TWITLOL so here goes.
Since last I posted I have become older (literally, I had a birthday), I have been kept awake at night and been woke up early by my darling neighbors repeatedly, endured the squishy quarters of the back seat of a police car, worried for people’s safety, celebrated Christmas with friends and family, gone on a few epic dates and rekindled my love of arts and crafts.
Where to begin… I guess I will start chronologically. So in December I celebrated the first anniversary of my 25th birthday. It was a good time and spanned over 10 days. For my actual birthday I took the day off as well as the day after. I relaxed, went in for a massage and then out for supper with friends. Point of interest: The new Mexican Village on 45th St has $1 Margaritas on Tuesdays now like the one downtown although at the time of my birthday they were on Wednesdays.
The next night I went out on one of these epic dates. If you have been reading my posts from the start you will likely notice that almost every guy I go out with ends up with a story reference name. This guys name became five dates guy. Not because we went out five times mind you. Rather we went on five dates in one night. It was rather interesting. We met at the Plains Art Museum (those of you from Fosston may appreciate that Mr. Sorenson has a piece on display there), headed for supper at the HuHot, for ice cream at Cold Stone, shopping at Kohl’s, bowling and then a movie back at my place. As you might be guessing this did definitely up the average length of my dates. Previously it was around an hour to an hour and a half. This one lasted 12 hours. A bit ridiculous but fun all the same. One might think that after spending that much time and energy on one person that there may be something there. Alas there is not. A few weeks, another lengthy date and a cancelled date due to family emergency later he told me that he didn’t really like the fact that my cat lives in my apartment. If you are reading this you know me and can about imagine how this went over…
Christmas went off with out too much of a hitch. It was celebrated several times over about two and a half weeks. The first excursion was a secular Christmas entitled “The 12 Bars of Christmas.” It was definitely a good time. I won’t name any names but there was a bit of emesis and a few lost articles including a checkbook and a pair of glasses. I love my girls! You can check out the pics if you want more details of the night… From there the more traditional Christmas started. I celebrated with my immediate family, my mom’s side, my dad’s side and my girls (on different days). It has been a while since I have felt not excluded at Christmas time but this year was good. I can truly say that I enjoyed it.
With the new year came a barrage of resolutions. They are still peppered over my notebooks and a few even made it to my fridge. One of these resolutions was to get back in touch with my creative side. So at any given time you will see me crocheting, knitting, painting, crafting in general. Overall I am just trying to not live my life wrapped in the plain brown packaging. I want something more.
More awake hours was not one of my resolutions although my neighbors decided to help me out with that one. They (the upstairs ones) have taken to nightly sex romps which tend to keep me awake. In fact they then expanded this practice to include wholesome Saturday mornings when you should be watching cartoons not creating more children to watch cartoons. My neighbors to my bedroom/bathroom wall also apparently enjoy this pastime although they take it a step further and to the shower. Dreadful.
I also managed to get into a car accident in the middle of January about a week before my parents left for vacation in Vegas. This proved to be unfortunate yet very convenient for me. While I had to fight tooth and nail to get the other insurance company to pay for the damages on my car (despite their driver turning into the wrong lane and hitting me head on while I was stopped at a stop sign…) this meant I had access to my parents’ van while they were gone so I wasn’t without a vehicle. Handy indeed since this was the time frame when ND decided to hit all-time low temperatures and wind chills. It would have been a rather chilly walk to and from work otherwise. As a result of this accident, I also got to hang out in the back seat of a police car. An experience I had never had. It is squishy. There isn’t much leg room and yes I did try to open the door myself. It doesn’t work. Turns out they don’t actually want felons to be able to let themselves out so yeah… I looked like an idiot. An experience all the same.
Mom and Dad had a good trip. They got to visit lots of friend and family. When they got back it was but a few days before they made a return trip to Fargo. Dad had a doctor appointment the next Monday. Last summer he had a spot on his leg that wouldn’t go away. After much prodding and a prominently placed article on Lyme’s disease, he went to get it checked in Fosston. The doctor there said that since dad hasn’t really been to the hospital since he was born that he should have a full physical. So he did. It was during the routine lab work that they noticed he had an elevated prostate hormone level. While it is normal for this to rise with age Dad didn’t have a base line so they recommended a biopsy to test further. This was his appointment a week after vacation.
We were told ahead of time that it was 50/50 low grade infection or cancer. We hoped for the best and feared the worst as most people would. From there we had an additional two weeks before the results were in. Last Monday as I was sitting at work I received a text from my sister. It was three words and while it was words that while I had tried to prepare myself for I really wasn’t ready for them: It is cancer. The doctor gave Dad five options but recommended surgery. The surgery they scheduled for 4 weeks out if he should decide to go that route.
Try as I might to look at this positively, I had troubles with this. I realize that this was good news. It was great that there were so many options. It was also great that it wasn’t so pressing and the surgery could wait for a month. But at the same time it meant that my dad’s body is filled with poison and I could only picture him rotting from the inside out. I had visions of when he had the surgery that they would find cancer everywhere and they would just close him up and give him months maybe weeks to live.. I understand that this isn’t rational but it is where my mind wandered and on occasion still does.
Dad thought he had a choice in the matter. What he didn’t count on was having three children who made the decision for him. I understand that I am taking the long, winding, often detoured road of life that may or may not end up at marriage. However, I know that even if I don’t get married for 20 years I want my dad to be there to walk me down the aisle. A week ago when my parents were down for the appointment I was tired so I curled up on the couch and laid my head on my dad’s chest. After the text on Monday, I couldn’t help but think that that may be that last time I get to do that. It’s kind of funny how the little things in life become monumental when you get news like this. My brother took a similar approach. The difference for him was the girls. Meg has already lost one grandpa to cancer and to stand back and do nothing is clearly not an option.
So now we are working through pre-op appointments. In fact my parents are currently sleeping in my bed as I type this. Dad gets to go give blood in the morning so they have an exact match when he has surgery on April 1. I would like to think of myself as a strong person. But the past few weeks have proven me otherwise. Now that I know dad is committed to the surgery it helps but I still can’t keep myself from crying when I think about the possibility of life without him - however irrational that is.
So there you have it. The long and varied path of my past few months. Details have been omitted due to poor memory, lack of space and prioritization. If you made it this far, kudos to you. Love and God bless. Do me a favor and call your parents and tell them you love them.
Does this make me a good lover?
Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is low.
You've probably either had only one relationship..
Or all of your relationships have been very similar.
You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try!
Dominance:
Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.
Independence:
Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.
The Five Variable Love Test
http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/
Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is low.
You've probably either had only one relationship..
Or all of your relationships have been very similar.
You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try!
Dominance:
Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.
Independence:
Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.
The Five Variable Love Test
http://www.blogthings.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)